I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
