were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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