i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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