I want to have your abortion
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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