it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
