bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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