I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
