I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Can I color on your dick again?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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