Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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