Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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