I think my vagina is haunted
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
