I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
