why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
