I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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