i think i have two assholes
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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