She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
