I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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