Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
