i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
