I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
