I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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