that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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