News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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