There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
