Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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