Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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