um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
