So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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