i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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