Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just puked most of my soul out..
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