You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
