What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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