Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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