Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
