She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
