I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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