i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
