oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I forget how to act sober
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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