Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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