New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
