Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
