u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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