and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
