Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
