Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
