I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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