i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
