i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
