I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
