so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
