dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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