we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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