i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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