I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
false alarm. still invincible.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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